Tough Love

This evening started out with good intentions and somehow it ended on a stressful note. I will keep praying for you & for us. I thought day 12 & 17 were bad but day 24 is even harder. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it will be better for us. Hopefully your interview goes well tomorrow.

More Than Half Way

Recently I passed the 20 day mark in the Love Dare and when I began this journey more than 3 weeks ago I thought I would not make it even that far. Now I'm more than half way and each day it gets a little less stressful and more joyful to be practicing what is asked of me to do from God but I look forward to the next day's dare. The past few days I've lacked in blogging because I started a new job with a company in Oly. Plus any moments I have the honor of spending with C, I do and vice versa. The other thing about this is at the beginning I was more willing to share everything personal and now I'm not so much. At least not in the same way ;-).
Thursday's Day 20-Love Is Jesus Christ
"While we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly." Romans 5:6
Thursday's Dare: Dare to take God at His word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray "Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But You have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven Your power to save me from death by your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by Your grace.
"Write about what this experience has been like for you. Even if you are only renewing your commitment to receive and express His love, what has He shown you today?"
This experience through bible study, going to church, watching the Fireproof movie, reading this Love Dare book, praying for myself..you..our families...even E, G, & S...has brought me to my knees in humbleness, humility; strengthen my belief & trust in you God that you can fix all things...especially our broken hearts and provide the resources to live the life you wish us to live...be with the one true love you wish us to be with. The past two weeks have been some of the best I've experienced in a very long time especially ever since God you answered prayers for changing in C a willingness to work on everything between us and you are using me as a vessel to demonstrate true unconditional love between us. You are daring us to honor, respect, cherish every precious moment; to respect boundaries; to feel safe with each other; to take care of ourselves as well as each other; to have fun; to listen and be heard; to forgive and to move forward together with You. You keep answering those prayers for us and you answered the prayer of more work for both of us as Thursday I started a new job (temp. assignment) and this coming Tuesday you are blessing him with an interview with station 4-8 for the opportunity of more hours. Both of which come at a time when you blessed Mel with her own place and gave us back our home and now we will be able to afford it better.
Lord, I may not see you at work in our lives every minute but I know you are and I know you are teaching us both to be patient with each other while we wait on you Lord.
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Yesterday was day 2 of work and it went a little better than day 1 just in the sense that I didn't come home and feel like my brain was fried from information overload. You should have seen me Thursday evening. I came home and C and I put the groceries away. I changed clothes and was in the kitchen staring off into space because I was hungry but couldn't figure out what I wanted and was so tired I couldn't think. C asked me if I was ok and I was 'huh?' it was kind of crazy lol. I made a sandwich and was a little better but still super tired.We spent time together for awhile and then he left for awhile. C got back early yesterday morning and I made us breakfast. One of our usual special times to visit with each other daily. He jumped in the shower, changed and while I was finishing getting ready to go a call must have come through because I came out to say bye and he was no where to be found lol. So off to work I went ;-). It's been really nice to spend time with him in the morning and then also when I get home at night too the past few nights. Laughing together & being playful helps too ;-). It's like rediscovering ourselves together but with in mind that we share a past together...a long one. 
Friday Day 21-Love is Satisfied in God
"The Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire." Isaiah 58:11
Friday's Dare: Be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your bible. Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day (there are thirty-one -a full month's supply), or reading a chapter in the gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John). As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you. This will add to your growth as you walk with Him.
"How do you think spending time daily with God will change your situation and perspective? How can you make Him a bigger part of your day?"
Spending time with God I feel better about going through the day and whatever lays ahead that day. Spending time with God daily also helps me think of things from a different perspective and not just my own sinful ways but it's His word and the messages for the lessons we learn that help shape who we are & what He wants for us. Daily devotions help us with stress and guiding & guarding our heart when things are tough but also lift us up when things are joyous. For example, yesterday I was running 5 minutes behind schedule to get to work but I took the time to read 80% of yesterday's Love Dare and the information behind it because it would make the difference of how I viewed things. Food for thought as the saying goes. I would have preferred all of it but some was better than none. Finding time in the evening for devotions isn't as difficult, but the time in the morning is. Maybe instead of trying to read before work I can take it with me and read on a break at work and take a notepad and jot my thoughts down to type up later. That way I'm still getting time at both ends of the day and feeling more on top of my self-care as well as my relationship with God & C.
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Today we worked really well together on getting you out the door on time for work with breakfast & a lunch. I have to say I don't think I have been as quick to cooking things before that many times as I was this morning and have it turn out as well as it did. I am glad I made your favorite cookies last night though for your lunch today. It was fun & a treat to bake for you again..as it seemed that you were happy I made them for you ;-). 
Hoping to get a run in sometime today and to figure out a running/walking schedule too. So many things to do lol ;-).
Day 22-Love Is Faithful
"I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord." Hosea 2:20
Today's Dare: Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Say to them today in words similar to these, "I love you. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return."
"Why is this kind of love impossible without the love of Christ beating in your heart? How does His presence within you enable you to love, even when it's primarily one-sided?"
It's impossible because no other kind of love is as pure and honest as the love of Christ within us and we can not share that with another person let alone the one true person that was meant for us without His presence. His presence enables us to love each other  even when it's primarily one-sided because of many things but mostly because of free will & it's what He wants for us. 

Wow & Our Home

It's nice that you are home tonight and wondered where I was...wanting me to come home. I look forward to you being at home more & spending time with you. Seems like before we took each other for granted and now we don't. Ever since we started working on everything together and you being supportive of me so much over the past few weeks I literally feel like a changed person. It's like a deep well of happiness is bursting from the inside out. It kind of feels like we took ten years to get to know each other and now the next ten years is where we start deeply loving each other and working on the more intimate, deeper aspects of us. I've had 'loves' before but never anyone like you...and it's like we finally "get" each other. It reminds me of what you said to me back in the end of September early October that it is nice to have a home to come home to and also someone special to come home to at home.
I am amused that we both are playing WOW (world of warcraft) at totally different levels and are both exhausted. Still having you here just across the room from me I'm content.
Yay first day of a new job tomorrow. Can't wait to share with you about it :-).

Interception & Intimacy

I missed writing yesterday but will include it with today's. I also missed church yesterday but I think it will be okay as I did spend time praying and in His word some. I was happy that we got to spend the morning & most of the afternoon together but then also have dinner & a movie together too. This weekend has been really amazing and just what we needed. We found out yesterday that Mel is getting her own place at the end of the month so we will have our house to ourselves again soon. It's kind of ironic because the night before when we were laying in bed we both agreed how nice it was to have the house to ourselves for a change. So when she let us know 24 hours later and you came home and asked if I had got the same text we both seemed happy with it. I think having a room mate the past few months has been really helpful and served its purpose, but being able to have our privacy back again will be a good change for us too.
Sunday's Day 16-Love Intercedes
"Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers." 3 John 2
Sunday's Dare: 'Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.'
Have you experienced the power of prayer in the past? What did you choose to pray about? Was it easy for you, or did it feel foreign to you?
I have experienced the power of prayer in the past and it is incredible. I chose to pray the same things in the book because those happen to be the same things that are on my heart & mind regarding our situation. I prayed for your heart. I prayed for your attitude. I prayed for your responsibilities before God. I prayed for truth to replace lies and that forgiveness would replace bitterness...especially over me hitting you & anything else that I may/may not know of. I prayed for a genuine breakthrough in our relationship...which has been partially answered already with everything from Saturday. I then prayed for our heart's desires...especially my own-for love and honor to become the norm. I prayed for romance and intimacy to go to a deeper level..but also for a renewed commitment of dating for us built on a healthier, happier foundation and for this to be sooner than later.
I also prayed for E and S that God would work in their hearts to try to restore their marriage and be good parents for G but if not that God would provide good people for each of them. Especially for E that she would go for counseling and be able to be happy...that God would change her heart and just allow the two of you to be only friends.
I may not know everything...only God does...but I can understand and appreciate things enough to know how it feels to go through a divorce and not want to be alone..that it can be a real struggle and miracle for any woman to have a child and want to protect them...to have some not so nice baggage in your own closet that hasn't been dealt with regardless of your age or profession...that we are not perfect. I can appreciate and understand that you see yourself and what you went through as a child with your own parent's divorce and that you don't want that to happen to G but every situation is different. We are all special and unique. So I can understand why you want to explore dating her for awhile even though you are in love with me...because you are trying to find & understand yourself. That also explains why you asked me not to be jealous and why we both know that we will never be the same even if we get back together...which is good because I don't think either of us want it to be the same based on our conversations..but it can definitely be better & will with God's grace & our hard work.
I love you and I will always love you...the same as you told me how you feel about me Saturday night and Sunday morning.
Day 17-Love Promotes Intimacy
"He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends." Proverbs 17:9
Today's Dare: 'Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe.'
How much of an effort is it for you to hold back from saying something, critical or otherwise? What have you learned about your spouse today, simply from listening?
The effort to hold back and not say anything to anyone is becoming less of an effort the more that I work at it because it is becoming the norm. I want to honor your request in every way especially with keeping it from anyone we know locally. I learned it is best to truely listen ..to be an active listener not a passive one..and then  honor whatever it is that is being requested. Every moment since Saturday though I believe we both are finding this to be true..not just me. It truely meant a lot to me to know you see the changes in me for the good and that you want to try to work on things with me.
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Had a nice dinner with the Whitmans tonight and took care of the dogs for M. Watched one of my fave shows, Castle, on tv and got all the laundry done today. Tomorrow is quilting day with the ladies from church, and I have to deep clean your dad's house. Probably also try to get a hold of Keith about our yard. Going to also try to get the rest of the housework done here at home.

Honor

I was happy that you were at home last night for a change. Happy to know you went on a transport call this morning and came home again. I remember pastor saying recently to make time for God regularly and the same message came up in our Wed. morning bible study as part of the lesson for the week. I made you coffee and prayed while I waited for you to come home. Praying that God would continue to watch over you & keep you safe, change your attitude toward me & Him, continue to work in your heart to work on our friendship & help us to build a healthy happy loving relationship. I also prayed for E and G to have a safe trip and that God would work in her heart to help her change her ways and not continue to hurt & use you or others around her. I prayed that God would help her to find help & peace for her sorrows and poor choices. I prayed for Sean and all of our families, the servicemen & women, and for our community. It definitely felt good to sit and pray.Showers before breakfast always a good thing. I wasn't pleased with what you were doing while texting her before I went to get us breakfast. Again though, I'm not in control of you...but I know you know better.
I got the mail and am glad there were two new movies and a package in there from sis. Very nice card and necklace earring set. Got the valentine's card yesterday from Mom. That was pretty cool. A couple ladies at the deli stopped me and talked with me for a few minutes. One of them happens to be the wife of the firefighter that you want me to keep that dark secret of E's from. Honestly it's not my secret to keep and others know about the secret. As requested though I will honor the request of keeping it. You wanted to know why I was short with you when I got home and I said it was because I was tired..which I am..I'm tired a lot these days. Seems like I've been tired ever since the beginning of this year (if not a little longer). It's hard to take most days listening to everything and knowing everything that you share with me about her...but I'd do it all over in a heart beat again if it means somehow things with you and me will get better.
Nice to have lunch with you today too. Looking forward to having dinner and possibly playing monopoly with you later too. Hopefully it works out for just you and me to do dinner & play monopoly. Hopefully we have fun too!
Day 15-Love Is Honorable
"Live with your wives in an understanding way...and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life." 1 Peter 3:7
Today's dare: "Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes."
How did you choose to show honor? What was the result? What are some other ways you could demonstrate honor in the coming days?
I chose to honor you by continuing to put my feelings aside of what is going on and just spend time with you today, to be around to take you down to the station since you need a ride, and to hug you and let you know I love you through my actions. You can never have too many hugs. The result is that again we chose not to argue but to try to compromise on meals and things to do for fun but also the way you hugged me back and held me longer than you normally do. I know deep down you do love me and want to work on things but it's just a matter of time. Time is what I have and willing to give to continue to try to figure all this out with you. Other ways I could demonstrate honor in the coming days...doing your laundry, making us dinner, making you cookies, ..just doing little things that help. Continuing to love you and show you that through the way I greet you. Make every moment with you count when you are with me :-)
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We did make every moment count Saturday. Spending the whole day with you was amazing! Talking finally about our most intimate feelings and having fun watching the movie The Hangover (hilarious), then watching episodes of The Muppet Show on your phone before bed was great too. Being having to have fun, laugh together, play together, work on things together and give each other hope & have forgiveness for each other is what we have needed for a long time. I'm happy that God is working in both our hearts and changing them to be willing instead of stubborn. I understand things a lot better with us since tonight.

Boundaries

Today marks the 10th anniversary of us becoming friends. It's been an interesting day indeed. I started this day out trying to figure out how to get stuff taken care of regarding some bills, then went got mail, then over to the deli for something to snack on and possibly write. I did all those things but before I could write you texted me wondering where I was and saying that you were making breakfast. I said I would be home shortly. Breakfast was good. I didn't know you had made us dinner last night as you just let me know that over breakfast. It was nice to spend time with you this morning until after giving you a massage turned into 5 minutes of you telling me you had to behave. Then you thinking I was mad. I wasn't mad...just disappointed. That's twice you've asked me if I was mad at you within a week. I'm not mad...hurt a little and disappointed some that's all. At first I just held my comments and didn't react when you said or did things I didn't agree with. Today though was different. I actually took the time to cool down and then let you know where my boundary was and why. I'm glad you listened and that I gave you time to think over what I said to have you let me know later your thoughts. Deciding to hug you before you left was a good move because I didn't want you to think we were leaving things on a bad or awkward note. I think that paid off tonight based on how you came home.You were more open with some things than earlier today.
Day 14-Love Takes Delight
"Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life." Ecclesiastes 9:9
Today's dare: "Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together."
What did you decide to give up? What did you do together? How did it go? What new thing did you learn (or relearn) about your spouse?
I gave up my run again this morning in order to go to the bank, the P.O., the deli, and also to have breakfast with you. We had breakfast together, then I waited for you to take a shower before putting vaporub on you because you asked me to. I massaged your back, your chest, and your feet and put vaporub on all those areas as requested. I asked you to massage my back because I hold a lot of tension in my back and it felt good to be massaged too. Everything was going well until afterwards when you made the comment about whether you should get dressed or play and you said you knew what I wanted but that you 'had to behave'. I went to get dressed and you thought I was mad when in fact I wasn't I was just disappointed as mentioned above.The new thing I learned about you is that you keep looking for my approval of your behavior toward me because of your choices with her. It's like you want me to give you permission to be with her...and honestly that will not happen but I can't tell you that, yet you see it in my eyes when I look at you. You already know what I think. I forgive you and understand that she's using you but I am not in control of what you do. I can only pray that God will work in your heart and change you to lead your heart and not have it lead by other things around you. I can only pray for her that God will help her to change her ways and help sort things out for her and not continue to hurt others around her. I pray every day that God will help us work together to build our friendship to be healthy and loving to be able to build the possibility of something better (hopefully as a couple). I love you regardless. I always have and always will.

Redefining Us, Finding You Finding Me, ...Finding Us

A week of ups and downs, of do's and don't's, some of the best moments in over 6 weeks and some of the worst heartache yet. So much of everything not having to do with Momma N and more to do with E, the girl next door. Yet it's not even about that either. It's more about you and me finding ourselves and how to be there to make each other happy as friends first and let God help us figure out the rest. You said to me that you wanted to walk away for a little while to get your stuff together and that you didn't want to take me with you on this journey..this spiritual journey. Well I'm on a 40 day journey to find myself and get my stuff together and whether we want each other on each other's journey's or not we will be on those journeys with each other in one way or another.
God has a plan for us dear and I'm not giving up entirely on us. I know you are not meaning to hurt me intentionally and deep down I know you do want a lot of the same things as me but that we have to go through this hard stuff to be able to even have a shot at the good stuff.

Roses in Our Lives

Something changed this past week between C & me when we had dinner monday night and for the first time in over a month decided to share the same room. Tuesday I went and saw the local pastor and poured my heart out about what was going on in our lives. He was a great resource and very supportive. It helps when the pastor knows both of you. Tuesday night was a very bad night but somehow through all the bad things we finally heard each other. Wednesday was a day apart with me driving toward Seattle and coming to realize that the friend I had been struggling with over the past year I suddenly didn't have the same connection with but that I still cared for her. The day was beautifully sunny and the drive home went better than I expected as I had taken care of something he asked me to do and we talked the whole way home. C was cooking dinner for us when I came home and we had an amazing evening together. Last night we decided to share our room again and it ended up being a time to reconnect in an intimate way that rippled through us so deeply. I can not tell you enough how much I love and adore him. He makes me want to work on things and be a better person for it. Working on everything at a much slower intimate pace and being in a place in our lives where we no longer can run from our responsibilities is literally forcing us to grow up and together in ways I don't think anyone could have ever imagined. Our friends are seeing the changes in us for the better.
Tonight I'm watching a movie called Fireproof. I'm looking forward to attending church this sunday for the first time in almost 4 years. It's the same church that I found out a few days ago he actually has been attending part time. Be good to be able to share that area of our lives together soon with each other.